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Are Money Conflicts Ruining Your Relationship?

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Title: Are Money Conflicts Ruining Your Relationship'
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: ' 2004 by Margaret Paul
URL: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 831
Category: Relationships, Conflict Resolution

Are Money Conflicts Ruining Your Relationship'
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Sam and Rita are multimillionaires. Sam is the president of a multinational corporation and Rita stayed home to raise their three children, whom are now all adults. Having reached this place in life, one would think that Sam and Rita would be really enjoying their life and their financial freedom. But this is not the case. Sam is constantly anxious about money and even envious toward others who have even more than they have. Sam still tries to control how much money Rita spends, even though they have more money than they could possibly spend during the rest of their lives. The control issues around money cause frequent conflicts between Sam and Rita.

Millie and Harold are also struggling with financial issues. Millie and Harold, while not rich, are financially comfortable. But Millie is constantly worrying that there won't be enough money, and is often angry with Harold for not making more money. The anxiety and power struggles over money keep Millie and Harold from feeling close and intimate with each other.

Rebecca and Jack are also in conflict over money. Rebecca works hard in her home-based business yet barely brings in enough money to support them and their two children. She is frequently very resentful that Jack, who also has a home-based business, is not motivated to work hard. Rebecca ends up feeling anxious, put-upon and angry in the face of Jack's resistance to working. In fact, Rebecca is thinking of leaving Jack because of her frustration with his lack of motivation. Without him around, she would have fewer mouths to feed.

There are two types of concerns regarding money that cause relationship problems:

1. Actual money concerns, such as in Rebecca's situation, where there really isn't enough money and one of the partners is not pulling his or her weight. In this case, the problem centers around resistance and lack of personal responsibility on the part of one partner.

2. Fabricated money concerns, such as with Sam and Rita and Millie and Harold. In these situations, the anxiety and conflicts are coming from fear that is not based on reality. The obsession with money is causing power struggles and control issues to undermine the intimacy in the relationship. Money is more important than caring.

Money is certainly a concern in relationships where both people are working hard yet there is not enough money. However, this is not the situation that generally causes relationship problems. In this situation, both partners are on the same side, each supporting the other in dealing with the problems. There are no power struggles, just actual money concerns.

CONFLICTS BASED ON CONTROL

In relationships such as Sam and Rita's, the problems in the relationship are not really about money ' they about believing that money is more important than caring and compassion. Sam is a person who defines his worth by how much money he has, rather than ......

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